(im a) let down

my personal interpretation of the song let down by radiohead

let down by radiohead has been a song that has resonated with me for a long time. the meaning of this song for me changed a lot overtime, but now i feel like i can relate it to my journey of sobriety and recovery. this post may sound very cringe and vent-y but here is my personal interpretation on the song.

let down - radiohead

transport
motorways and tramlines
starting and then stopping
taking off and landing

i feel like these lyrics can apply to my recovery. everything has a beginning and an end. i can start trying to change, but then at some point, i stop trying. i can be as optimistic and hopeful as i want but no matter how many times i try to change, it never lasts.

the emptiest of feelings
disappointed people
clinging onto bottles
and when it comes
its so so disappointing

i feel so empty sometimes when i think about all the horrible things ive done; substance abuse, reckless sex, lying, hurting my loved ones, and the list goes on. i cant believe i turned out like this sometimes. who wouldve thought i would end up doing all these things. how embarassing. i feel like a completely different person compared to the me who did all those things that disappointed people. all i do is disappoint. i feel like everyone clings onto the hope and idea that i'll get better, that i'll finally change, but i always fail to. i fail to meet their expectations like i often do. not only do i disappoint them, but i disappoint myself as well. i also cling onto the dream that things will get better and life would be good again. but then i fall back into old habits and realize ill never change.

let down and hanging around
crushed like a bug in the ground

not only do i let down everyone around me, i let myself down. i feel like a bug crushed in the ground sometimes. i feel helpless. i feel like other people see me as such too. like a lost cause, something they cant fix or bring back to life. they just end up disappointed cause i cant even help myself, im stuck on the ground.

shell smashed, juices flowing
wings twitch, legs are going
dont get sentimental
it always ends up drivel

more on the bug imagery, its suffering, destroyed, and unsavable. i am the bug. i feel so hopeless and helpless just like the bug. im so done, im done and im finished, ive given up. everytime i get sentimental and think abt the person i used to be, i end up hating myself even more. i'd always compare my current self to my younger, better self. i used to be so good. i used to live up to, or even surpass peoples expectations. my parents get sentimental as well, theyd talk about how i was as a child a lot. they saw me as a happy, smart kid. now when they look at me, they see a fucked up bipolar, drug addict .and they always wonder what they did wrong, when did things all go downhill for me. getting sentimental and thinking abt the past just sets you up for pain and disappointment.

one day i am gonna grow wings
a chemical reaction
hysterical and useless

one day i am gonna grow wings. i love this lyric so fucking much. so FUCKING much. even if i feel so bad abt myself a lot and feel like im ever gonna change, i have moments of hope where i think maybe i can get better. maybe one day ill actually be able to grow wings and get change. like a caterpillar in a cocoon, turning into a butterfly and gaining its wings. maybe one day, ill have my own metamorphosis. but then i realize that maybe its all jst a dream, and itll only stay as a dream. a goal that ill never achieve. hysterical and useless. me.

you know, you know where you are with
floor collapsing, floating
bouncing back and
one day i am gonna grow wings

floor collapsing , everything is falling apart. my hopes and dreams seem to die in front of me and theres nothing i can do about it. floating, the weird in between where im just falling deeper and deeper into a hole. bouncing back, maybe things do get get better. maybe ill be able to get change, maybe ill be able to grow my wings. but for now its all just a big maybe. the floor is collapsing and now im just falling, floating and i cant seem to reach or find the bottom of the hole where i can bounce back from.

for the most part, i have no hope for myself. all i do is disappoint people and myself. im a crushed bug, unsalvageble, unable to save, a lost cause. i might give up on myself soon; and soon enough everyone will give up on me too.